Watch My Cat Video and Comment

Unofficial Monsters’ Ball for April 8, 2011

Fri, 08 Apr 2011 17:59:58 -0400

Note: I’m not going to list any kind of editor’s choice or a lowest voted because as Gabe said, “it would be a shame to tarnish Videogum’s anniversary with something so callow and divisive as to play favorites while also singling out individuals for shame.” I will, however, list the top five and the caption winner.

Top Five

1. Morley Zhi 130

Posted in: What Will The Inevitable, Lame, And Obvious Twist Be In The Upcoming Will Smith/Jaden Smith M. Night Shyamalan Movie?

2. Polythene Pam 84

“IT’S FOR MY JOB, MOM”

Posted in: Fruit Gushers Review

3. Polythene Pam 82

Katherine Heigl

Posted in: BREAKING FART NEWS: Blind Item

4. Dusky Panther 81

“Let’s be equals.” -This guy

“I’d rather not.” -Women

Posted in: These Are Your Boyfriends: The Men From The “Dear Woman” Video

5. the hammer is my penis 80

Please Hamma, don’t hurt ‘em

Posted in: Sorry, Ladies, But Jon Hamm Is A Big Old Goof

Caption Winner:

the narrator 103

“I immediately need to come up with a way to not blame this on her weight.” – Chmerkovskiy

Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Kirstie Alley Falling On Dancing With The Stars

Videogum Oscar Pool Winners

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 00:39:39 -0500

Placement of contest winners. http://videogum.com/278752/the-videogum-2011-academy-awards-pool/top-stories/

Note: I’ve not listed ties in any particular order. If I’ve miscalculated, please e-mail me at werttrew99@yahoo.com

Out of 18 possible points:

Zalojo 16

Brimicbed 16

Dan, man of science 16

Braxtonk89 15

Elisabeth Bromberg 15

Mtnsbeyondmtns 15

Palbleaux 15

Dusky Panther 14

Forss Fagerstrom 14

Obviously_tma 14

You guys? 14

Danny Porcaro 14

Milehigold 14

Bokoboko 14

What what 14

JR 13

Notspelledbrain 13

Natasha Simons 13

Larry threevis 13

Widdershins42 13

Royalswine 13

Heyhermano 13

Huckabeast 13

Orbital 13

Hemogoblins 13

Gerald P. Meyer 13

Stacia Marlett 13

Pop ramblings 13

Nat Esten 13

Stu 13

Ian 12

Burnttongue 12

The hammer is my penis 12

Jeff 12

Werttrew 12

Jessa Forsythe-Crane 12

Zorro 12

Michelle 12

Rick moranis 12

Thepurplemonk 12

Girl Friday 12

Nabby 12

Polythene pam 12

Hotspur 12

Idamon 12

Alex logan 12

Josh 12

Duke Nukem 12

Clockworkrobots 12

Berightback 12

Pickpocket 12

Frank Lloyd Wrong 11

Grittyreboot 11

Octavis 11

Scriptamanet 11

Applepiehubbub 11

Katie 11

Nicholas Tinsley 11

Lazy A 11

Head pants now 11

Katydid 11

Blue barracudas 11

Gene parmesan 11

Dude 11

Akirasrain 11

Braundiggity 11

Duncan 11

Astrolatry 11

Will 11

Mouesh 11

Sharkjacket 11

Thisismynightmare 10

Jamimarie 10

Pukearabbit 10

Bad_hat_harry 10

Justin harlacher 10

Gradstudentsaretheworst 10

Bocboda 10

Ginger Ball z 10

Powlsy 10

Merrywanderer 10

Kittensmash 10

Falconfervor 10

Don mccoy 10

Mr. hausfrau 10

Kate lamar 10

Meetmymillionaires 10

Problematique 10

Isaidwhat25 10

Alan Edward Johnson 10

Andrew Goddeeris 10

Bucky 10

Mhaze107 10

Gary Bang 9

Alanis Morissette 9

Burdette 9

Watching what happened 9

Lulacrazygirl7 9

That one 9

Jeska 9

Never a bad idea 9

Clifwith1f: 9

Lookoutforsnakes 9

Captain Boring of the SS Shut Up 9

Tastethehappy 9

Volkery 9

Makingitcaine: 9

Whoatom101 8

Smiles 8

Whyareyouyelling 8

Ikilledlaurapalmer 8

Fresh DJ Hot Breakfast 8

Amberto 8

Kimmy gibbler 8

Grinth 8

Concert_addict 7

Brandon Monzon 7

Bizzarospeak 7

sivarttheGreat 7

Thekelburrows 7

Lensles 6

Oscar 5

Flid 5

Sol is a girl 4

Loz 4

Unofficial Monsters' Ball for December 24, 2010

Fri, 24 Dec 2010 15:15:00 -0500

Top Five Comments

+61 Frank Lloyd Wrong

If these two had a baby, it would be Richard Belzer:

From: http://videogum.com/257661/r-i-p-larry-king-live-2/tv/

+71 Wary

What the hell is wrong with those parents? Giggling at a tantrum? They think it’s cute? That kid is going to grow up to become a serial killer who targets librarians, every December.

From: http://videogum.com/258911/books-arent-toys-books-are-poop/webjunk/viral-video/

+78 Frank Lloyd Wrong

From: http://videogum.com/258911/books-arent-toys-books-are-poop/webjunk/viral-video/

+83 R2D2, Esq.

The joke being that if you eat toilet paper, then you poop toilet paper, and therefore there’s no need to wipe.

“I see what you did there.” – Everyone

“Oh, good.” – R2D2, Esq.

“That doesn’t mean it’s funny.” – Everyone

From: http://videogum.com/259291/thats-your-girlfriend-kesha-the-toilet-paper-addict/thats-your-girlfriend/

+96 Huckabeast

This Kesha eats toilet paper. The other Ke$ha produces shit. Circle of life.

From: http://videogum.com/259291/thats-your-girlfriend-kesha-the-toilet-paper-addict/thats-your-girlfriend/

Lowest Voted Comment:

Son of Gabe -28

Downvote this comment.

http://videogum.com/258102/the-videogum-movie-club-tron-legacy/franchises/the-videogum-movie-club/

Unofficial Monsters' Ball for Nov. 26, 2010

Fri, 26 Nov 2010 10:33:00 -0500

Tabulated comments from articles published Friday, Nov 19; Monday, Nov 22; Tuesday, Nov 23; and Wednesday, Nov 24.

TOP FIVE

1. huckabeast 132

YES I CAN

From http://videogum.com/249972/cookie-monster-auditions-for-saturday-night-live/top-stories/

2. yourmom 111

Firstness.

From: http://videogum.com/249722/thats-your-girlfriend-lori-davenport/thats-your-girlfriend/

3 kingmaker 92

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000), starring Jim Carrey and Taylor Momsen.

From: http://videogum.com/249511/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-holiday-movie-nominees/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

4 Polythene Pam 84

I think the “paying” audience was the one waiting outside in their cars to drive their yahooligans home after the show.

From: http://videogum.com/249822/taking-one-for-the-team-the-brokencyde-concert-challenge/franchises/taking-one-for-the-team/

5 An American Patriot 80

I THINK people just NEED TO back the fuck OFF GABE AND let a PLAYA WRITE.

Also it’s THE FUCKIN internet, where the HELL IS the “relax” BUTTON?

OH, there it is.

From: http://videogum.com/248832/by-request-the-reset-button/top-stories/

CONTEST WINNERS

http://videogum.com/248802/win-a-copy-of-sterlings-gold-wit-and-wisdom-of-an-ad-man/contests/

Contest: Post the name of YOUR memoirs in the comments.

werttrew

Amelia, Amelia:
The Story of werttrew, the Internet’s Sexy Palindrome, in the World’s First Animated Gif Memoir

Facetaco

Are you there, God? It’s me, Facetaco. Why Did You Think It Was A Good Idea To Make A Man With A Taco For A Face?!

CAPTION WINNER

http://videogum.com/250031/the-videogum-why-dont-you-caption-it-contest-drake-haircut/franchises/why-dont-you-caption-it/

Huckabeast 85

“I simply cut away anything that did not look like Drake.”

LOWEST VOTED

(Note: I had earlier incorrectly listed Steve Winwood as the week’s lowest.)

http://videogum.com/249511/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-holiday-movie-nominees/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

the narrator -31

Home Alone.

You might have liked it as a kid.

Go back and watch it again.

Tabulations for Films Nominated for Holiday WMOAT

Wed, 24 Nov 2010 12:04:00 -0500

Tallied as of 11:30 EST on Nov 24 from http://videogum.com/249511/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-holiday-movie-nominees/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time

Gabe stated: Whichever nominees get the most “support” in this comment thread (and only this comment thread) will be the movies that are selected, so if you see something say something.

An asterisk means that Netflix lists this as a “family movie,” so I’m not sure if it runs afoul of the no children’s movie rule or not. In parentheses I list the maximum number of upvotes the film nominated received. I then counted the comments in support and the comments in protestation.

Figuring out the four “winners” is tricky—do you give more weight to vocal support in the comments or to high upvotes? Judging from Gabe’s statement I favored comments more than upvotes. As I see it, the four “winners” are:

Four Christmases (+44) 14 for

Christmas with the Kranks (+60) 13 for

*Jingle All The Way (+56) 13 for 3 against

Love Actually (+20) 15 for, 6 against

Runners Up:

Holiday (+58) 10 for, 1 against

Jack Frost (Michael Keaton) (+11) 8 for

Reindeer Games (+30) 6 for

Jack Frost (horror) (+14) 6 for

Santa Claus: The Movie (+30) 6 for

8 Crazy Nights (+70) 5 for

*How the Grinch Stole Christmas (+89) 4 for

Surviving Christmas (+30) 5 for

The rest:

Note: I did not list films that were “holiday” but not November/December holidays.

A Christmas Story (+7) 7 for, 3 against

*Ernest Saves Christmas (+40) 3 for 1 against

Fred Claus (+28) 4 for

*The Santa Clause (+15) 4 for, 2 against

*The Santa Clause 2 (+13) 3 for

*The Santa Clause 3 (+19) 4 for

The Polar Express (+14) 4 for

Home for the Holidays (+1) 2 for, 2 against

Nothing like the Holidays, starring John Leguizamo (+15) 2 for

Deck the Halls (+30) 3 for

The Family Man (+48) 2 for, 3 against

Die Hard 2 (-2) 1 for, 4 against

Robin Williams Toys film (+13) 4 for, 3 against

Bad Santa (+6) 4 for

*Home Alone (-30) 2 for, 4 against

*Home Alone 2 (+6) 2 for

*Home Alone 3 (+10) 3 for

*Home Alone 4 (+2) 1 for

Undercover Christmas (+6) 1 for

Star Trek: Generations (+5) 1 for

Black Christmas (2006) (+8) 3 for

While You Were Sleeping (+15) 2 for

The Ice Harvest (+4) 2 for

*Miracle on 34th Street (original) (+3) 1 for, 1 against

*Miracle on 34th Street (remake) (+3) 1 for

Trapped In Paradise (+3) 1 for

Eyes Wide Shut (+16) 2 for

The Hebrew Hammer (+10) 1 for

Santa’s Slay (+4) 3 for

Scrooged (+6) 2 for

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (+6) 3 for

The Ref (+5) 2 for, 2 against

Lethal Weapon (+1) 1 for

Babes in Toyland (1986) (+12) 2 for

A Christmas Carol (Jim Carrey) (+23) 1 for

Gingerdead Man (+7) 1 for

Noel with Robin Williams (+1) 1 for

Friends and Lovers (+2) 2 for

I’ll Be Home For Christmas (Jon. Taylor Thomas) (+25) 1 for

Prancer (+15) 1 for

Everybody’s Fine (+3) 1 for

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (0) 1 for

Elf (+1) 1 for, 1 against

Films that were nominated but not eligible:

The Christmas Toy never had theatrical release

Christmas Shoes never had theatrical release

Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure never had theatrical release

Thomas Kinkade’s Home for Christmas Aka The Christmas Cottage never had theatrical release

Glenn Beck’s A Christmas Sweater is not available on Netflix.

Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving…that wasn’t a real film, right?

Christmas with a Capital C never had theatrical release

How The Grinch Stole Xmas (the original) never had theatrical release

Christmas in Wonderland Netflix doesn’t carry it.

Santa With Muscles (+31) 6 for. Surprisingly, Netflix doesn’t carry it.

Lawblog's lawless blog: Gums Of Our Lives: Episode 1

Tue, 23 Nov 2010 20:34:01 -0500

Lawblog's lawless blog: Gums Of Our Lives: Episode 1:

thelawblog:

It was a cold December night, and The Narrator was busy in his laboratory. He laughed to himself as he bent over his machine. “Reckless?” he cackled to himself. “Irresponsible? I’ll show them reckless and irresponsible!” He wiped the fevered sweat from his brow as he checked the time. “Only…

Holidaygum Secret Santa

Tue, 16 Nov 2010 15:43:00 -0500

Hey guys! Check out myfakeironlung/Just Désserts annoucement about a Holidaygum Secret Santa event!

I am starting an Elfster for this exchange. If you would like to participate, send me your email address depland [dot] m [at] gmail.com or contact me via twitter @myfakeironlung. The sign up ends in a week on Nov. 23. The gift limit we are looking at is about $10-15 max. We want to be creative or meme oriented. Or you could just be weird, whatever. It’s all in the best of spirits. I’ll be sending out invites this week, so sign up while you can.

The way it will work is I will email you the Elfster invite, and you can supply your real name or monster name, but an address will have to be supplied. However, it will only to your gift giver, so no identity theft-o. If you have any more questions let me or werttrew know.

Happy gift giving monsters.

Signed, Just Désserts

For more information on Elfster: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elfster

Chatroom change & password

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 13:42:00 -0400

You know what I like? I like male genitalia. After all, I have one and it’s a lot of fun. And practical. Thanks to one, I was born! Thanks to mine, I am going to be a father in a few months!

But you know what I don’t like? Strangers showing them to me in chatrooms! Yuck!

So, Videogum’s chat ( http://tinychat.com/videogum ) is now password protected. Please feel free to share the password ( which is “enhance”) with fellw monsters.

It wasn’t monsters who felt the need to share their shortcomings with the world—it was random people dropping by on our tinychat. So we hope this keeps the flashers away while letting us do our thang.

Again, the password is enhance.

Lyrics to Videogum Song Contest Top Five

Thu, 07 Oct 2010 18:46:40 -0400

Here are the lyrics! Also, Teacherman had a Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lh81je3mDoo

-=-=-=

Robin Rubbermaid – “Goodbye Monkey”
Goodbye monkey
So long Cake Eatur
Goodbye monkey
So long Cake Eatur
Goodbye monkey
How I miss Da Cake Eatur

Your spelling was substandard
Your grammar below par
But for sheer transcendant troll stupidity
You really set the bar

Goodbye monkey
Cake Eatur you’re a star

Goodbye monkey (Iz u relly a skwirel?)
So long Cake Eatur
Goodbye monkey (well come to da streets. da wall streets)
So long Cake Eatur
Goodbye monkey (LOL SHE BE LIKE LOOK OUT I NEED UPSTARES!!)
Whither Da great Cake Eatur

Guess we’ll never know you
Just who you really are
Maybe you’re a suicidal simian
Was it just an avatar?

Goodbye monkey
Cake Eatur you’re a star
Goodbye monkey (Cut it out, you creep / You know the rules)
Cake Eatur you’re a star
Goodbye monkey (Old Dude, Mayor Bee, WoW Rules 69 / Pick a name and stick with it)
Cake Eatur you’re a star
Goodbye monkey (You know the rules / It is your flagrant abuse of the Videogum Commenter Community’s trust)
Cake Eatur you’re a star
(Cut it out, you creep)

Teacherman – “Fell in Love with a Monster”
I spend my days on Videogum
Just trying to read it all
And looking for that invitation
To the Monster’s Ball

There’s been a new monster in town
She’s been getting upvotes from my heart
She’s as funny as any around
She got the cutest little avatar

Chorus:
At first it was
Just a crush
I think I’m falling in love
With a Monster

Well, she had a post in the BNPG
That had me ROFLOLing
Even Steve Winwood was complimentary
With not one word about her misspellings

Now, in the end she may turn out to be
A little more Sawyer, a little less Kate
I don’t really care if she is a he
I say better gay than fake

Chorus

Bridge:
I may not know her name
But I know how she makes me feel
And it may sound insane
But our virtual love is real
There’s only one thing more
Before I make her my queen
I should probably be sure
That she’s at least 18

Chorus

Lawblog – “We Monsters”
Spoken: Yo, sometimes it seems like the world is out to get you. There’s a hole in the ocean, Vanilla Ice has a reality show, Justin bieber. And it seems like there’s nowhere you can go to make sense of it all without being called a noob fag. But luckily there’s an oasis of hope in the barf desert that is the internets.

VERSE 1
It’s the land of top chef recaps and best new party game
I’m on it all the time which could explain why I’m partly lame
I’ll be hittin refresh until the day is over
Cause I need to know what the fuck is up with topher
Even though they don’t get references I make about Tony Romo
Still the best media blog in the world (no promo)
Tell my girlfriend I’ll be late and tell my boss that I am sorry
I spend all day making comments with my friends, what are we?

CHORUS
We Monsters
Don’t let the trolls hurt you
Got mad upvotes for notsewfast and werttrew
We Monsters
Keep your books on the shelf
In don’t matter cause the world is gonna end in 2012
We Monsters
One of my personal preferences
To make a song and fill it up with all inside references
We Monsters
Cause this flow has caught on
I’m this generation’s basil marceaux dot com

VERSE 2
My gifs are so hot that the animation’s got you stunnin
Take you fools for a ride like Jeremy London
I’ll keep taking all my EGOTs on the mantlepiece they shine
Until the day that I retire like Amanda Bynes
I’ma keep posting every single day without rest
Cause you know I gots to win that caption contest
Week’s best comment you know I want to be on you
Time to photoshop more pictures of that sad Keanu
Or make a goop reference because we know that Gwenyth’s lackin
Find a picture of a puppy and then post in on the back end
Keep disrespecting Ke$ha for way long after this track ends
Open up my wallet’s filled with pictures of all of my black friends.

CHORUS
We Monsters
Put more posts on this thread
Keep going till it’s filled, yeah that’s what she said
We Monsters
Time to pop another bottle
We all big nerds, reports Duh Aficionado
We Monsters
We always up on the latest trend
You can’t downvote us but we don’t give a care, friend
We Monsters
Uh oh, you mad
Check out this next verse cause it’s totally rad

VERSE 3
All of you haters out there who want to call us fake and gay
I’m up like Alvin greene shouting “no! Go Away!”
You say you don’t love us but that’s just to be mean and
You’ll probably end up singing along just like keenan
And we can take one for the team like joe mande
While gabe sits there gumming on a butterscotch candy
Get your sad don drapers cause that shit comes in handy
Winning the internet is our modus operandi
It’s dandy how you bring the latest in memes
Combing through detritus on those interweb streams
I depend on Godsauce to be so witty
And I expect Steve Winwood to say that “she’s pretty”
I read y’all so much that I it feels like you’re right there
A day without commenting, THAT is my nightmare.
Without y’all I don’t rise like bread without yeast
Yeah I’m a Monster… like mothafuckin huckabeast

Sung:
-Double Rainbow all the way across the sky. What does it mean? What does it mean?
-Obviously we have a rapist in Lincoln Park. Lincoln Park.
-You are the man now, dog. You are the man now.
-That’s your boyfriend.

Shout outs!

Topknot – “We Should All Be So Lucky”
We Should All Be So Lucky

We should all be so lucky as to find something in this world that makes us happy.
We should all be so lucky as to find something in this world that makes us happy.

I could have a candy bra
Or sing clown core for a Luna Bar
Dress up like Sailor Moon
And play bass, or get a life-like horse costume

I should be so lucky as to find something in this world that would make me as happy.
We should all be so lucky as to find something in this world that makes us happy.

I could along to my Neo Geo collection
Or be the mustache champion
I could try contact juggling
Or Irish hand dancing

I should be so lucky as to find something in this world that would make me as happy.
We should all be so lucky as to find something in this world that makes us happy.

You can dress your chickens in costumes
You can dress up like Japanese girls and build snowmen, yes you can
You can rub chocolate on Miley Cyrus’ face, if you want to you can
You can marry a video game character or throw business cards with your hands, yes you can
You can audition for death metal bands, yes you can
You can build a sculpture out of balloons of Optimus Prime anytime

I should be so lucky as to find something in this world that would make me as happy.
We should all be so lucky as to find something in this world that makes us happy.

Unleash the katana for me
Unleash the katana for me
and all my chickens in costumes you see
Unleash the katana for me
and all my chickens in costumes you see
And Boomer the Dog too, he’s here with me.

Del Preston - “J.O.R.T.S.”

Jorts
From the moment I rise
Jorts
Denim covers my thighs
Jorts
Cargo pockets hold my cellphone and snacks
Jorts
Try that next time you’re wearing your slacks

Jorts
Which ones will I choose?
Jorts
Bugle Boy or Anchor Blues?
Jorts
Hemmed up to my knees
Jorts
They’re as sexy as you please

Jorts
When I step out at night
Jorts
My calves and ankles don’t hide
Jorts
A hammer loop helps keep my tools in order
Jorts
I’ll rock my jorts all the way into Mordor
Jorts
Which ones are for me?
Jorts
High Sierra or Lee?
Jorts
Fitted loose and relaxed
Jorts
They conceal all of my Juggalo tats

Videogum Song Contest Rules & FAQ

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 16:02:00 -0400

Yo pogs. Gonna repost the rules ( see http://videogum.com/218321/announcing-the-videogum-song-contest/contests/ ) and explain some other things.

Write a song about Videogum. It can be about a specific post, or a specific commenter, or Sad Keanu, or in-jokes, or anything you can relate to Videogum. It could be a theme song, an ode to Topher Grace, or a Double Rainbow tribute. It is your song, so it is up to you, as long as it is Videogum-related.
The song should be no longer than five minutes, please.
Contestants may collaborate. Contestants may have others perform the songs for them, but it’ll be counted more favorably if the contestants themselves perform.
Contestants may use just their voice if they choose, but instruments are welcome and encouraged.
Contestants may enter multiple songs.
Initial entries will be judged by monsters Chris Trash, werttrew, and Shellbomber. They’ll winnow it down to five final entries. These five final entries will be posted on Videogum and voted on by the monster community.
Contestants will have until midnight EST on October 1 to submit their songs.

To enter, please send an email to vgsongcontest@gmail.com including the following:
-A link to your song or an mp3
-The title of your song
-Your commenter name on Videogum (real names will not be revealed). Contestants MUST be registered Videogum commenters.
-Including lyrics is optional, but appreciated.

The grand prize winner will get a $100 iTunes gift certificate. WOW! The second place winner will receive his or her very own TV Hat! And the third place winner will receive an autographed photo of Topher Grace.

FAQ:

***Can I submit more than one entry?

Yes.

***Can’t we see all entries, not just the top five?

Maybe? We’ll see. We honestly don’t know what kind of response we’ll get, so we’ll have to see. If it is less than 15 entries, probably. More than that and the logistics will get complicated. I certainly think we’ll see at least a “rest of the best” at some point.

***Wait, why is it you three guys judging? Why not have Gabe do it all?

Basically we volunteered. Chris_Trash came up with the idea and brought me in, and then we brought Shellbomber in. We ran it by Gabe and he liked it!

Gabe is a busy man with many blogs to blog. The You Can Make It Up Contest from last year was a lot of work on Gabe, so to make it easier on him we’re going to do the grunt work as much as we can. The more we can take off his shoulders, the better. Besides, this is FMBM!! Kids and non-bloggers only!

All-time Most Upvoted and Most Downvoted Comments

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 10:23:00 -0400

important: this list is no longer up-to-date. Check http://www.mobfd.com/

This record is almost certainly wrong and incomplete. Please do correct me by sending me a link to a comment that is higher/lower than the ones listed here: Werttrew99@yahoo.com

In the summer of 2009, there was a new policy where only registered commenters could vote. This immediately caused vote totals to plummet, but they have steadily grown to current levels. Asterisks denote a comment that was pre-commenters-only-voting rule. I’ve not included them in the ranking, but I’m listing them for posterity’s sake.

Eventually, when I’ve had you kind folks correct my gaps and mistakes, I’ll list the actual comments themselves. For now, I’m just putting in the link to the posts where the original comments can be found.

Most upvoted and downvoted comments ever.

Upvoted (Votes as of October 23, 2010)

1. Chareth Cutestory 437 http://videogum.com/198561/the-videogum-why-dont-you-caption-it-contest-the-ladies-of-the-daily-show/franchises/why-dont-you-caption-it/

***Dictums 418 http://videogum.com/80742/spoiler_alert_new_moon_has_a_t/spoilers/

2. Patrick M 344 http://videogum.com/227142/dear-outsourced-please-kill-yourself/tv/new-tv-shows/

***ModernMANDroid 341 http://videogum.com/73821/monsters_ball_the_weeks_best_c/franchises/monsters-ball/

***Ladders 285 http://videogum.com/78932/this_is_your_music_video_confi/music-related-content/

3. Huckabeast 274 http://videogum.com/213172/the-videogum-why-dont-you-caption-it-contest-jay-z-hugging-gwyneth-paltrow/franchises/why-dont-you-caption-it/

***MusclesMarinara 260 http://videogum.com/74381/megan_fox_please_understand_me/top-stories/

***Godsauce 250 http://videogum.com/81091/gwyneth_paltrows_recipe_for_ro/top-stories/#comment-4358702/

4. werttrew 242 http://videogum.com/222052/the-unfortunate-return-of-the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

5. abalogariz 218 http://videogum.com/189492/the-videogum-why-dont-you-caption-it-contest-sad-keanu-reeves/franchises/why-dont-you-caption-it/

6. werttrew 206 http://videogum.com/212921/videogum-dare-name-a-movie-that-looks-worse-than-love-and-other-drugs/movies/trailer/

***K-Mo 194 http://videogum.com/79912/videogums_teen_korner_new_moon/franchises/teen-korner/

7. Thisismynightmare 191 http://videogum.com/237351/the-videogum-why-dont-you-caption-it-contest-luke-perry-at-dragon-con/franchises/why-dont-you-caption-it/

8. wrj713 188 http://videogum.com/194752/best-new-party-game-26-do-you-mean-the-one-where/franchises/best-new-party-game/

***dude 179 http://videogum.com/81302/a_brave_california_woman_solve/webjunk/viral-video/

9. Jordan Schlansky 175 http://videogum.com/182422/the-videogum-why-dont-you-caption-it-contest-xavier-beauvoiss-cool-new-t-shirt/franchises/why-dont-you-caption-it/

10. Notsewfast 173 http://videogum.com/165611/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-down-to-you/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

Most downvoted comments ever (votes as of Oct. 1)

5. thegreatsatan -86 http://videogum.com/201332/birdie-falls-asleep/cute-as-balls/birdie-cute-as-balls/

***HB -87 http://videogum.com/74922/monsters_ball_the_weeks_best_c_1/franchises/monsters-ball/

4. Mr. Hausfrau -88 http://videogum.com/219282/monsters-ball-the-weeks-best-comments-26/franchises/monsters-ball/

3. garbage_face -89 http://videogum.com/176962/the-birdie-report-hi-birdie/top-stories/

2. laughcamp -91 http://videogum.com/204841/we-all-win-this-dance-battle/webjunk/viral-video/comment-page-1/#comment-7635322

*** TalbainJ2: TalbainJ Harder -92 http://videogum.com/81332/monsters_ball_the_weeks_best_c_4/franchises/monsters-ball/

***buenosueno -93 http://videogum.com/78862/monsters_ball_the_weeks_best_c_2/franchises/monsters-ball/

***buenosueno -104 http://videogum.com/74922/monsters_ball_the_weeks_best_c_1/franchises/monsters-ball/

1. Godsauce -106 http://videogum.com/166451/the-videogum-why-dont-you-caption-it-contest-sean-hannity-is-a-feminine-hygiene-product/franchises/why-dont-you-caption-it/

Unofficial Monsters' Ball for July 23, 2010

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 22:30:00 -0400

Eh. I was ambivalent about calculating a Monsters’ Ball for this week firstly because it’s an incomplete week, and secondly because my calculations may very well have overlooked someone. (Please do correct me if you suspect an error.)

But given the number of great, 100+ quips, I think it’d be a shame not to acknowledge some of the classic comments this week. I decided to go through and tally scores myself from Monday, July 19 through Friday, July 23.

Also, there was a three-way tie for 5^th place! whoah!

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LOWEST VOTED: (corrected: I had previously had Hit_Girl as lowest voted)

Steve Winwood| Posted on July 20 -20

Neither my friend nor I gave a care at that point. So boring.

Posted in: http://videogum.com/202602/the-sorcerers-apprentice-open-thread/news/

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CAPTION WINNER

Patrick M | Posted on July 20 +142

“Where’s LaBeouf?”

Posted in: http://videogum.com/203352/the-videogum-why-dont-you-caption-it-contest-on-the-set-of-transformers-3/franchises/why-dont-you-caption-it/

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Teacherman | Posted on July 21 +138

3.14159265358979323846264338327950288…Men and a Baby

Posted in: http://videogum.com/203412/see-you-at-comic-con-2010-bonus-bnpg/news/

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Lysdexia | Posted on July 21 +131

Guess Who’s Coming to Repair the DNS Server Issue

Posted in: http://videogum.com/203412/see-you-at-comic-con-2010-bonus-bnpg/news/

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Godsauce | Posted on July 21 +113

Slumdog 10^6aire

Posted in: http://videogum.com/203412/see-you-at-comic-con-2010-bonus-bnpg/news/

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caseanate | Posted on July 21 +108

showURLs

Posted in: http://videogum.com/203412/see-you-at-comic-con-2010-bonus-bnpg/news/

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Tie #5

Godsauce | Posted on July 21 +104

The Fantastic Mr. Fox Mulder

Posted in: http://videogum.com/203412/see-you-at-comic-con-2010-bonus-bnpg/news/

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Tie #5

Mr. Hausfrau | Posted on July 20 +104

Posted in: http://videogum.com/203352/the-videogum-why-dont-you-caption-it-contest-on-the-set-of-transformers-3/franchises/why-dont-you-caption-it/

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Tie #5

topknot | Posted on July 20 +104

Not pictured: Plot.

Posted in: http://videogum.com/203352/the-videogum-why-dont-you-caption-it-contest-on-the-set-of-transformers-3/franchises/why-dont-you-caption-it/

You Can Make It Up: Gabe Delahaye and Max Silvestri Find Hall H of Comic-Con, Quote, “Delightful”

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 13:59:00 -0400

It was the first official day of Comic-Con 2010. The sky was still as gray and dark, as it was only 4:30 a.m. Gabe Delahaye and Max Silvestri parked their rental car, a Sahara Sand 2003 Toyota Camry, in the special Hulk Smash/H8 section reserved for visiting pop-culture bloggers. They walked up to the gargantuan entrance to the legendary Hall H, where classic films of years past had debuted, like Van Helsing and Hamlet 2. Great films! The interior was dark and cool and smelled of nerd sweat and Code Red in that particularly exciting way that old basements can have during Friday night Advanced Dungeons & Dragons sessions.

Max and Gabe stood at the threshold of the hall for a moment, lost in reflection. Gabe nibbled on a package of California Raisin dried apricots, both to keep himself from getting sick from excitement and to keep himself regular. He knew it was going to be a long day.

“Which line do you want to wait in?” asked Max. He was busy on his iPhone as he said this, playing with his Lightsaber app. It was his favorite app. He had only recently learned how to stop making the lightsaber sounds when he swung his phone. Gabe frowned and fidgeted with his lucky Jonah Hex ascot, secretly hoping that everyone would notice how well it accentuated his pajama jeans. The line for the Salt panel looked good, but it would only last maybe an hour or two. The Megamind panel looked promising, ensuring at least an eight-hour wait. But that was still not enough. Max and Gabe had come to wait in lines, and only the best line would do.

Max and Gabe walked slowly through the hall, past the Step Up 3D booth, the bored models in skin-tight baseball uniforms standing in front of Kenny Powers’ Signature Jet-skis, and the Jack Black Gulliver’s Travels Blow-Up Castle. Then Gabe saw it. He stopped stock-still and stood gape-jawed. Max saw it too and swallowed once, twice, thrice in excitement.

“The Harry Knowles Says Inane Crap Panel!” they shouted simultaneously.

Yes, there it was. The line extended well outside of the Hall, into the streets, reaching even to the San Diego Zoo where the panda exhibit was closed for repairs. This was the line they were waiting for. The duo moved to the end, psyched that they had found the right line at last.

The first three hours just flew by. So many amazing memories! The tote bags everyone carried were AMAZING and festive. Every so often, people with official red badges hanging on their necks, visually confirming their right to hand out free crap, handed out free crap! Gabe had by this time the posters for six movies, including A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas; 15 coupons for various San Diego restaurants, most exciting of which was for a 66 cent Original Chocolate Frosty at Wendy’s; six fliers for exotic ladies (?) who would do some weird things with their things in weird ways; and best of all, a small bobble-head of Jerry O’Connell promoting his new show The Defenders, this September Wednesdays at 10:00 pm Eastern/9:00 pm Central.

At the sixth hour, Max took a bite of his Subway Freshbuzz Western Egg & Cheese sandwich. He looked at the dripping mayo and drew the back of his wrist across his mouth. Then he looked around. Next to him, there was pictures being taken of Logan’s Run fans, dressed in their full regalia, but there was also a Mario and a Luigi, and a velociraptor? They were certainly colorful. Behind him was a group of spirited young men arguing that Cobb was actually in the Matrix during the events of Inception, thus making the dream-within-a-dream discussion moot. They each carried overstuffed bags spilling over with gifts, promotional crap, and the accoutrements of middle-class nerdhood. Their faces were pale and acne-scarred and satisfied. Their conversation was delightful to overhear, and when the young men left to go another line, Max was filled with a sharp pangs of sorrow.

Gabe and Max kept themselves well-hydrated with the 40-ounce Red Bulls they had each brought for the occasion. They knew to take turns going to the bathroom, where there were also lines but nowhere near as long or delightful as the line for the ladies’ room. Sometimes women have all the luck.

At last they were face-to-face with Harry Knowles. The wait in line had taken 16 hours and 36 minutes, which was a personal best for Max but not for Gabe, who once waited 23 hours and 11 minutes for tickets to see Billie Holiday perform live.

“Hi!” said Harry Knowles. He was a ridiculous person who said ridiculous things. “Michael Bay is a friend of mine! I told him to cast Betty White in Transformers 3!”

Gabe and Max cheered and left Harry Knowles flapping his stupid face. After all, they hadn’t come for Harry Knowles: they had come to wait in lines. They went back to the parking lot to find their car battery was dead. This was the best news of the night, because now they’d have to wait for a tow truck for at least an hour.

“Best day ever?” asked Max. “Best day ever!” exclaimed Gabe.

Hey, What's Up With Topher Grace? Soy-based Edition

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 19:07:00 -0400

Have you guys been following this Shirley Sherrod story? An edited video made a black USDA employee look like she was discriminating against a white farmer. The White House had her fired. But it turns out watching the whole video she actually HELPED the white farmer? Yikes. We’re gonna need a bigger Beer Summit! Read all directions before filling out the test answers, student Obama! The answer was: leave the test blank for an A!

And this rigged video? Woof. Have fun at dinner, Andrew Breitbart! I mean, let’s be honest: reverse racism is a problem (good point, Mr Blogger man). But in the ranking of how big a problem reverse racism is in the United States, it ranks somewhere below the distressing disappearance of Mr Pibb and being placed in a Comic-Con line for a Salt Panel. But this whole fiasco just one more distressing piece of news in a distressingly hot summer that requires yet another LolK withdrawal from Tomatobank just to make one’s life even tolerable. That and having your diamond shoes polished.

Speaking of delightful things that sparkle, what’s up with Topher Grace?

There’s a very neat site called Atpictures that ranks celebrities. Cool idea! But what’s this? http://www.atpictures.com/topher Ranked #525 among celebrities? And Jackson Rathbone (who?) is number one? Perfect sense. You made the grade of pro sites, Atpictures.

The Cinefastique had an interview with Topher Grace, talking about America’s #1 action movie not featuring floating hallway fights: http://cinefantastiqueonline.com/2010/07/predators-topher-grace-interview/ I haven’t actually listened to it or watched it, but it is self-recommending. Source(s): Common sense.

Of course, the most important source of information/news/pogs in our daily lives is Wikipedia. Of COURSE. If someone said to you, “No, I really think it is Reuters News” you would say “NO, of course not, it’s Wikipedia.” Clearly. So what’s this on Topher’s entry? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Topher_Grace “In 2009, Grace became the subject of a reoccurring Videogum.com column entitled “What’s Up With Topher Grace?” which relates the latest news in a snarky fashion.” Haha. “Excellent!”—Bill & Ted, 1989-2012. Although someone please edit Wikipedia. They misspelled “respectful and keenly interested” as “snarky.”

And, of course, That 70’s Show remains popular in syndication.

There you go. That is what is up with Topher Grace. Send your Topher tips to tophergracenews@videogum.com. See you next time!

Droid X! What’s up, dudes who are avoiding the pitfalls of...

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 17:01:00 -0400

Droid X!

What’s up, dudes who are avoiding the pitfalls of categorizing women by cup size and young women who realize that the size of one’s chest does not reflect the depth of one’s character? Duck phone! Today I want to chillax with you gravy boats about the importance of staying COOL and FROSTY. Totes pogs! How are young Friendsters like you supposed to learn how to keep your Coolio all the while you’re being inundated (spellcheck For The Winning!) with examples of celebrities not being chill?

Listen, honest to blog, I know you’re going to find it hard to hear what I have to say, but it is the truth: sometimes Justin Bieber isn’t always the best example! “Go back to your kettle corn and non-organic beets, Grandpa! Lose the ‘tude B 4 you B kum a fool!” I know! But even Justin Bieber can be flummoxed by a shaken bottle of pop/soda/coke/regional name for soft drinks!

I’m sure you will now want to initiate an emergency session of your Justin Bieber Fan Club, so I’m gonna scoot on my Segway to the nearest Ruby Tuesday’s for some whipped cauliflower (potato texture, twice the butter, no carbs!). Stay ‘Zune!

Index of Videogum Links

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 14:59:00 -0400

important: this list is no longer up-to-date. Check http://www.mobfd.com/

This is a master list of all pertinent Videogum links. Contact me with additions, corrections, and the like at werttrew99@yahoo.com or @werttrew on Twitter.

Videogum tumblrs and blogs
http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/731411103/videogum-tumblrs-and-blogs

A guide to images in the comments
http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/320807705/images-in-the-comments-a-guide-for-videogum

The complete list of worst movies of all time (WMOAT)
http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/273168812/the-worst-movie-of-all-time-the-complete-list

Monsters’ Ball stats
http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/270476062/complete-list-of-videogums-monsters-ball-commenters

The highest voted and the lowest voted comments of all time: http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/998209585/all-time

The complete inside joke and meme list:
http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/265368711/videogum-inside-jokes-memes-etc

The Twitter List
http://twitter.com/werttrew/videogum
Basically, this is a Twitter list following Videogum’s commenters, contributers, and a few celebrity Twitter accounts pertinent to Videogum. If you want to follow the list, all you need is a Twitter account and you can click on the follow option on the above link.
If you want to be added to the list, contact me via Twitter (@werttrew) or email me at werttrew99 at yahoo.com. There’s no criteria or requirements for being added, but let me request that you follow @Videogum on Twitter and that you give me your Videogum commenter name for my master list that matches commenter names with Twitter accounts: http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/232059116/videogum-monsters-list (If there are errors with that list, please let me know.)

Chatroom. The chat is always open, but there aren’t alway folks in there. Two times when there will be guaranteed a crowd are Friday afternoons and during key shows, eg Mad Men. http://videogum.com/chat/ was the old chat, but it is pretty much abandoned now. The chat for use is now http://tinychat.com/videogum and the password is enhance

Last fm group. Last.fm. We have Videogum monsters in a last.fm group started by Lolwut // Mjh110. http://www.last.fm/group/Videogum+Monsters Listen to the hip music enjoyed by your fellow monsters!

I had a lot of fun meeting some fellow monsters this summer in Chicago. If you’d like to see about arranging a Monster Mash in your neck of the woods, I suggest posting something on the Dave Delahaye Facebook group page.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=105547626135055

Videogum Wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Videogum

The Videogum Book Club, run by An American Patriot: http://bookgum.wordpress.com/

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http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/777769812/index-of-videogum-links

Videogum Tumblrs and Blogs

Thu, 24 Jun 2010 09:56:00 -0400

important: this list is no longer kept up-to-date. Check http://www.mobfd.com/ for the most up-to-date lists.

Latest draft of a tumblr/blog list. Please send me your tumblr/blog or suggestions for other monsters and contributers at werttrew99@yahoo.com or @werttrew me on Twitter.

Please be sure to give me 1) your name (or the suggested person’s name) on Videogum, 2) the tumblr link, and 3) a one-to-five word description of the tumblr’s content. Just “commentary” or “personal” is fine.

I’ve already added a brief description of the content of each tumblr I’ve added so far—please send me a note of a better description of your tumblr if you wish, but no more than five words long, please.

I am honestly very unfamiliar with Tumblr, so please do send me suggestions on how to better manage this list. Should I include non-tumblr blogs as well? Can I improve the tags (Commentary, Personal, etc)? I’m essentially using “Commentary” as the default, adding “Personal” if it seems like the person talks about their own life a bit.

Abacus Finch http://sanslegumes.tumblr.com/ Personal/commentary

An American Patriot http://anamericanpatriot.tumblr.com/ Advice

Aniktwo http://frostypeaches.tumblr.com/ Commentary

Backstagebethy http://backstagebethy.tumblr.com/ Commentary

bingo gas station (with powlsy and underweareyes) deafenestrate.com Album cover reviews

boddah http://satelliteee.tumblr.com/ ’things/music/pictures I like’

Brrrrrian http://theunimpressive.tumblr.com/ Commentary

Capu Flapu and the Spasmatic Pentagrams http://wasp-nest.tumblr.com/ ”Less Wordy Elitist Musical Gubbins”

Caringiscool http://caringiscool.tumblr.com/ Commentary

Carrie http://kirious.tumblr.com/ Personal/Commentary

Chris Trash http://christrash.tumblr.com/ Personal/Advice

Creamofthecrop http://tonguelash.tumblr.com/ “commentary/personal/humor/awe/nonsense”

Cupisacup http://cupisacup.tumblr.com/ Personal/Commentary

The Dependent Clause (formerly the Defeatery) http://thedependentclause.tumblr.com personal/commentary

Ds3m http://ds3m.tumblr.com/ Personal/Commentary

Duncan http://facesinthesand.tumblr.com “A whole load of personal crap.”

Dylanmorgan http://dylanmorgan.tumblr.com/ Commentary

Electric Koala http://coffeemilkmoustache.tumblr.com/ “Music/Banter Blog”

Electro Lemon http://demiadejuyigbe.tumblr.com “Panini reviews and/or nonsense.”

Etwb http://louisathome.tumblr.com/ Personal/Commentary

Facetaco http://bmwreport.tumblr.com/ Commentary on Boy Meets World

Funkles http://situationtomedy.tumblr.com Humor/Commentary

Gabe http://gabrieldelahaye.tumblr.com/ Humor

Godsauce http://godsauce.tumblr.com/ Humor/Commentary

Huckabeast http://huckabeast.tumblr.com/ “it’s mostly personal stuff”

Imsoexcited & Thisismynightmare http://thatsyourstatusupdate.tumblr.com/ ”bad status updates”

Ignition remix http://notveryraven.tumblr.com “It is just dumb jokes.”

itta_yonina http://sexsaxandsequels.tumblr.com “Commentary on bad movies.”

incredimarc http://incredimarc.com Personal/commentary

Joefry http://joepuglisi.com/ Commentary

Josh is like Germany ambitious and misunderstood. http://letmeworryaboutblank.tumblr.com/ Personal/Commentary

KajusX & Chainsaws www.karlsavage.com Personal/artblog

K-Hud http://kellyhudson.blogspot.com ”Nerdy Cincy girl lives life.”

Langford www.langfordoversaw.blogspot.com “I post whatever.”

Lengli http://lengli.tumblr.com/ Commentary

Lindsay Robertson http://lindsayrobertson.tumblr.com/ Humor

Liz http://brakattack.tumblr.com/ Commentary

Lizzing http://spongeworthy.tumblr.com/ Dating humor

Mans http://cavecitysink.tumblr.com/ Observations and various thoughts.

Meaverly http://meaverly.tumblr.com Mostly “terrible personal blathering.”

melsanie http://hotbritishmen.tumblr.com/ “Hot British men.”

melsanie http://melsanie.tumblr.com “Commentary and general awesomeness.”

Niamh http://neavers.tumblr.com Commentary

nudelman http://britters.tumblr.com “Music, laffs, photos”

Patrick M. http://recursivebee.blogspot.com “fictionish”

Pizza http://pizzakari.tumblr.com/ “Verne Troyer on scooter, mostly”

poolboypip http://waynesbasement.tumblr.com “A nerdy pop culture shmorgasboard!”

powlsy (with bingo gas station and underweareyes) deafenestrate.com Album cover reviews

Professor Pushups hmwt.tumblr.com Commentary

Raymond’s Mother http://raymondsmother.wordpress.com Commentary/Personal

Rb http://pollyannapositive.tumblr.com Personal/Commentary

shanks for nothin http://shanksfornothing.tumblr.com/ Commentary

shellbomber http://frecklejuicer.tumblr.com/ “Doofus tries to GOOP”

Slothdrop http://andthennothingblog.tumblr.com/ Photography, and the occasional story.

super! http://www.babydentures.com/ Commentary

the wurst http://andysteaparty.tumblr.com “Band stuff/local events.”

underweareyes (with bingo gas station and powlsy) deafenestrate.com Album cover reviews

Thisismynightmare & Imsoexcited http://thatsyourstatusupdate.tumblr.com/ ”bad status updates”

Werttrew http://werttrew.tumblr.com/ Videogum archives

Zachary Little http://zaclittle.tumblr.com “My animated show/ Twilight blog”

Videogum T-Shirt

Wed, 16 Jun 2010 13:40:00 -0400

I had a few people inquire about how to get a T-shirt like the one I wore to the Chicago Videogum meet-up. Unfortunately, it’d be a bit pricey: $25 with tax, not including shipping. But if you’d still like to see about getting one for yourself, send an e-mail to Aaron (the guy who designed it for me) at graphics@express-press.net . Ask about the “stupid lamp” shirt or the videogum shirt and he’ll know which one you’re talking about.

Submitting Amelia for The Worst Movie of All Time

Mon, 12 Apr 2010 18:02:00 -0400

(graphic courtesy of the great Lakonislate)

(For an explanation of what The Worst Movie of All Time is, see http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/273168812/the-worst-movie-of-all-time-the-complete-list )

Starting January 18, every time there was a new TWMOAT, I began to nominate Amelia over and over again. Soon, my nominations came to follow a formula—a standard opening, the use of a gif that portrays a child as a metaphor for the film’s awfulness, and a standard conclusion. This is my journey.

January 18

http://videogum.com/109801/the_hunt_for_the_worst_movie_o_84/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

Dear Videogum Staff: As of February 2, 2010, the 2009 film Amelia starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere will be available on DVD and Blu-ray on Netflix. As such, it is now officially eligible for The Worst Movie of All Time. This week will begin my campaign to include this film for viewing in TWMOAT. This is a truly awful film.

I must warn you that I shall not relent in my nomination of this film until that day its inclusion is secure. I shall not rest. I shall not falter. I shall not desist. You should, you must, you SHALL review this film.
That is all. I shall be here next week with a similar message. Good day and thank you for your time.
PS: As added incentive I shall include a humorous gif of a soulless ginger.

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January 25

http://videogum.com/111071/the_hunt_for_the_worst_movie_o_85/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate Amelia, the 2009 film starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere about the doomed aviatrix Amelia Earhart. It’ll be available on Netflix as of February 2. This is a truly awful film.

While no one can truly express how bad this movie is, I think I can come close to explaining HOW awful this film is via my favorite medium, the gif. Imagine, if you will, that director Mira Nair is the child in this gif. Equate successfully kicking the ball with successfully creating a film of artistry, enjoyment, and not-embarrassing-awfulness.

Thank you for your time. I shall be here again next week and every week to re-nominate this film till its inclusion is secure.

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Feb. 8

http://videogum.com/113451/the_hunt_for_the_worst_movie_o_86/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.

This humorous gif serves well as a metaphor for my viewing experience of this film. Imagine if you will that I am this child:

As the film began, I was enthusiastic and open to the film. I wished nothing but a satisfactory movie experience. However, as the film continued, I began to feel unease, which then turned to extreme discomfort, which then turned to queasiness. I knew within mere moments that the film would be long and agonizing and painful. And it was.

I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Feb. 15

http://videogum.com/114581/the_hunt_for_the_worst_movie_o_87/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia, the biopic about aviatrix Amelia Earhart starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere, for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.

The following gif serves sadly well as a metaphor for my viewing experience of this film. Imagine if you will that I am this child:

What did I come to the theater expecting? I expected entertainment. I expected good acting and a sensible, not too distracting story line. I expected to be moved by the noble and heroic life of Amelia Earhart, a woman who broke down barriers for women and changed the perception of what it meant to be feminine.

Instead, I was rudely surprised. “Pranked,” if you will, like this child, who had a rotten, thoughtless person place a mechanical jumping bird on his plate. He was delighted, as you can clearly see from his face, by the bird. HE WAS INNOCENT. All he wanted was the simple pleasures of a toy bird. But he was cruelly tricked and hurt. Likewise, I was cruelly tricked and hurt by this film’s awfulness. This, my friends, was a terrible, hurtful film, a painful surprise, a breach of trust.

I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.

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March 8

http://videogum.com/148072/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-wild-hogs/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

This is the point in my weekly harangue/petition that I say “the following gif serves well as a metaphor for my viewing experience of this film.” But not this week. This gif does NOT serve well as a metaphor for my viewing experience of this film. Why? Because this baby isn’t “like” someone watching the film, this baby IS ACTUALLY WATCHING SIX SECONDS OF THE FILM:

I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.

PS: It’s not just me who knows this film stinks! Please consider the thoughts of one LINDSAY ROBERTSON: http://lindsayrobertson.tumblr.com/post/223120460/my-special-thoughts-about-amelia

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March 15

http://videogum.com/155931/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-the-curious-case-of-benjamin-button/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

The following gif serves well as a metaphor for my viewing experience of this film.

Imagine, if you will, that child in blue holding the struggling cat is actress Hilary Swank.

Next, imagine that the cat is success and glory and quality acting. We’ll call it “Oscar III.” (Or is it dunking the cat that would be winning the Academy Award? Not sure)

The rest of us are watching in horror from the background. No! we scream in silent horror. We aren’t really worried for the cat, who is plenty smart, but we’re dismayed by Hilary, and relieved only that Oscar wasn’t the one worst hurt in the whole process. (That would be us watched the movie, of course, okay I got to finish this, this analogy is getting confusing)

Now Oscar slinks away to his owner, Sandra Bullock, who isn’t great but hey, she wasn’t trying to THROW A CAT INTO A SWIMMING POOL.

(Sorry, I’m getting all tangled up in my analogies here. Anyways. Movie stinks, WMOAT worthy, please do it, etc etc.)

I shall be here next week and every week with a similar strained metaphor till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.

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March 22

http://videogum.com/159222/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-envy/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

The following gif represents my viewing experience of this film:

Except it lasted 1 hour and 51 minutes.

I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.

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April 5

The film begins and its horribleness is soon readily apparent. But I am stuck in the theater with a date!! What can I do??

I seek to mentally flee the film. I close my eyes and run, run to a happy place to escape the terribleness of the film, but I couldn’t run fast enough, fast enough. I COULDN’T RUN FAST ENOUGH.

So BAM, the film knocks me into a puddle of suck. Richard Gere is a disaster, Hilary Swank is wearing fake teeth and a bad wig! The plot makes no sense!

I valiantly struggle to my feet, woozy, ready to flee again and from the other direction the dastardly film returns to knock me BAM into a puddle of suck again! Argh, director Mira Nair! Why must you be such a bad director?? HAVE YOU NO MERCY??? No you don’t. No you do not.

I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.

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April 12

http://videogum.com/169241/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-chasing-amy/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia, the biopic about aviatrix Amelia Earhart starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere, for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.

Why do I persist? Why do I nominate this same film, week after week? No, it is not a compulsion. No, it is not destiny. It is because I choose to do so.

Now, I don’t know if I am the center of all things or just a fleck of dust in the outer-spiral arm of an insignificant corner of a backwater galaxy. I don’t know and it doesn’t matter, for what I do know is that I can find joy, and find joy on this earth. I feel the good breeze in my scalp, I see the good sun in the sky, I love my good wife with my heart, and I hear the good song of nature whisper softly in the air. I intake and I exhale; I am given the cards of fate but I deal them as I please. I choose, and because I choose, I am someone.

And in this case, I choose to continue to re-nominate this film, week after week, the horror of which is a lot like a dead fish that seems to chase me round and round a fishing pole I can’t let go of.

I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.

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April 26 2010

http://videogum.com/174471/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-nick-and-norahs-infinite-playlist/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia<, the biopic about aviatrix Amelia Earhart starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere, for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.

So. Here we are: at the end of the films for this round. Eventually, the next batch of films will be named. So my heart is filled with a dreadful anticipation, a hope I fear only because it will hurt so much if it is squashed. We shall know with the new list if this film—my nemesis, my archrival, the Gwyneth Paltrow to my Gabe Delahaye—will be eviscerated in WMOAT in the next session. I am elated yet fearful, wary that the giddy, fiery hope I feel at the moment will last for two seconds only to come to a quick, painful end.

But even if it doesn’t—and I sincerely hope it does, but if it doesn’t—I shall soldier on past the disappointment to continue my dogged crusade to have this film exposed in this forum for the pretentious, windy, plotless, intelligence-insulting drivel it is. I shall continue undaunted despite the lump on my head and my life-long fear of broomsticks, toy cars, and fashionable outdoor tables. I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.

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Sept 13 2010

http://videogum.com/222052/the-unfortunate-return-of-the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

Imagine, if you will, being trapped in your theater seat, desperately rocking left and right, trying to escape the nightmare vision playing before your eyes. Imagine, if you will, your terror as the film’s awfulness increases and you realize you are doomed to smack into the hard surface of Ugh with great terriblocity. Imagine, if you will, that you have pitifully put up your arms to stop the horror, but to no avail, no avail. Imagine, if you will, that your film-viewing experience goes something like this:

Yeah, watching Amelia is pretty much like that. So I beseech you to cover this film in the next round of WMOAT. But if the film is not nominated in this round, I shall once again be here every week till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.

Unofficial Monsters' Ball for March 5

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 14:33:00 -0500

Because there was never an official Monsters’ Ball for March 5, I decided to go through and tally scores myself from March 1 (Monday) through March 4 (Thursday). Some scores on Friday, March 5 were counted for the March 12 MB, so I didn’t calculate that day in.

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LOWEST VOTED:

I Like A Skinny Tie | Posted on Mar 3rd -82

How about this one: Ke$ha’s record Animal is a total party jam top to bottom!!!!!<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Posted in: http://videogum.com/149841/keha-interviews-keha-or-whoops-i-chopped-off-my-own-head/interviews/

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CAPTION WINNER

Lord Growing | Posted on Mar 2nd +104

My buddy Jay Leno just sexted me his submission: “Hey, you’re not a chubby young woman in a blue dress?! Why is my arm around you? I like sex!”

Posted in: http://videogum.com/149211/the-videogum-why-dont-you-caption-it-contest-jeremy-piven-and-bill-clinton/uncategorized/

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Notsewfast | Posted on Mar 2nd +107