(graphic courtesy of the great Lakonislate)
(For an explanation of what The Worst Movie of All Time is, see http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/273168812/the-worst-movie-of-all-time-the-complete-list )
Starting January 18, every time there was a new TWMOAT, I began to nominate Amelia over and over again. Soon, my nominations came to follow a formula—a standard opening, the use of a gif that portrays a child as a metaphor for the film’s awfulness, and a standard conclusion. This is my journey.
January 18
http://videogum.com/109801/the_hunt_for_the_worst_movie_o_84/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/
Dear Videogum Staff: As of February 2, 2010, the 2009 film Amelia starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere will be available on DVD and Blu-ray on Netflix. As such, it is now officially eligible for The Worst Movie of All Time. This week will begin my campaign to include this film for viewing in TWMOAT. This is a truly awful film.
I must warn you that I shall not relent in my nomination of this film until that day its inclusion is secure. I shall not rest. I shall not falter. I shall not desist. You should, you must, you SHALL review this film.
That is all. I shall be here next week with a similar message. Good day and thank you for your time.
PS: As added incentive I shall include a humorous gif of a soulless ginger.
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January 25
http://videogum.com/111071/the_hunt_for_the_worst_movie_o_85/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/
Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate Amelia, the 2009 film starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere about the doomed aviatrix Amelia Earhart. It’ll be available on Netflix as of February 2. This is a truly awful film.
While no one can truly express how bad this movie is, I think I can come close to explaining HOW awful this film is via my favorite medium, the gif. Imagine, if you will, that director Mira Nair is the child in this gif. Equate successfully kicking the ball with successfully creating a film of artistry, enjoyment, and not-embarrassing-awfulness.
Thank you for your time. I shall be here again next week and every week to re-nominate this film till its inclusion is secure.
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Feb. 8
http://videogum.com/113451/the_hunt_for_the_worst_movie_o_86/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/
Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.
This humorous gif serves well as a metaphor for my viewing experience of this film. Imagine if you will that I am this child:
As the film began, I was enthusiastic and open to the film. I wished nothing but a satisfactory movie experience. However, as the film continued, I began to feel unease, which then turned to extreme discomfort, which then turned to queasiness. I knew within mere moments that the film would be long and agonizing and painful. And it was.
I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.
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Feb. 15
http://videogum.com/114581/the_hunt_for_the_worst_movie_o_87/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/
Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia, the biopic about aviatrix Amelia Earhart starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere, for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.
The following gif serves sadly well as a metaphor for my viewing experience of this film. Imagine if you will that I am this child:
What did I come to the theater expecting? I expected entertainment. I expected good acting and a sensible, not too distracting story line. I expected to be moved by the noble and heroic life of Amelia Earhart, a woman who broke down barriers for women and changed the perception of what it meant to be feminine.
Instead, I was rudely surprised. “Pranked,” if you will, like this child, who had a rotten, thoughtless person place a mechanical jumping bird on his plate. He was delighted, as you can clearly see from his face, by the bird. HE WAS INNOCENT. All he wanted was the simple pleasures of a toy bird. But he was cruelly tricked and hurt. Likewise, I was cruelly tricked and hurt by this film’s awfulness. This, my friends, was a terrible, hurtful film, a painful surprise, a breach of trust.
I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.
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March 8
http://videogum.com/148072/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-wild-hogs/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/
Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia, the biopic about aviatrix Amelia Earhart starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere, for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.
This is the point in my weekly harangue/petition that I say “the following gif serves well as a metaphor for my viewing experience of this film.” But not this week. This gif does NOT serve well as a metaphor for my viewing experience of this film. Why? Because this baby isn’t “like” someone watching the film, this baby IS ACTUALLY WATCHING SIX SECONDS OF THE FILM:
I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.
PS: It’s not just me who knows this film stinks! Please consider the thoughts of one LINDSAY ROBERTSON: http://lindsayrobertson.tumblr.com/post/223120460/my-special-thoughts-about-amelia
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March 15
http://videogum.com/155931/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-the-curious-case-of-benjamin-button/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/
Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia, the biopic about aviatrix Amelia Earhart starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere, for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.
The following gif serves well as a metaphor for my viewing experience of this film.
Imagine, if you will, that child in blue holding the struggling cat is actress Hilary Swank.
Next, imagine that the cat is success and glory and quality acting. We’ll call it “Oscar III.” (Or is it dunking the cat that would be winning the Academy Award? Not sure)
The rest of us are watching in horror from the background. No! we scream in silent horror. We aren’t really worried for the cat, who is plenty smart, but we’re dismayed by Hilary, and relieved only that Oscar wasn’t the one worst hurt in the whole process. (That would be us watched the movie, of course, okay I got to finish this, this analogy is getting confusing)
Now Oscar slinks away to his owner, Sandra Bullock, who isn’t great but hey, she wasn’t trying to THROW A CAT INTO A SWIMMING POOL.
(Sorry, I’m getting all tangled up in my analogies here. Anyways. Movie stinks, WMOAT worthy, please do it, etc etc.)
I shall be here next week and every week with a similar strained metaphor till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.
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March 22
http://videogum.com/159222/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-envy/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/
Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia, the biopic about aviatrix Amelia Earhart starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere, for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.
The following gif represents my viewing experience of this film:
Except it lasted 1 hour and 51 minutes.
I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.
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April 5
Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia, the biopic about aviatrix Amelia Earhart starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere, for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.
The following gif serves well as a metaphor for my viewing experience of this film.
The film begins and its horribleness is soon readily apparent. But I am stuck in the theater with a date!! What can I do??
I seek to mentally flee the film. I close my eyes and run, run to a happy place to escape the terribleness of the film, but I couldn’t run fast enough, fast enough. I COULDN’T RUN FAST ENOUGH.
So BAM, the film knocks me into a puddle of suck. Richard Gere is a disaster, Hilary Swank is wearing fake teeth and a bad wig! The plot makes no sense!
I valiantly struggle to my feet, woozy, ready to flee again and from the other direction the dastardly film returns to knock me BAM into a puddle of suck again! Argh, director Mira Nair! Why must you be such a bad director?? HAVE YOU NO MERCY??? No you don’t. No you do not.
I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.
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April 12
http://videogum.com/169241/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-chasing-amy/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/
Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia, the biopic about aviatrix Amelia Earhart starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere, for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.
Why do I persist? Why do I nominate this same film, week after week? No, it is not a compulsion. No, it is not destiny. It is because I choose to do so.
Now, I don’t know if I am the center of all things or just a fleck of dust in the outer-spiral arm of an insignificant corner of a backwater galaxy. I don’t know and it doesn’t matter, for what I do know is that I can find joy, and find joy on this earth. I feel the good breeze in my scalp, I see the good sun in the sky, I love my good wife with my heart, and I hear the good song of nature whisper softly in the air. I intake and I exhale; I am given the cards of fate but I deal them as I please. I choose, and because I choose, I am someone.
And in this case, I choose to continue to re-nominate this film, week after week, the horror of which is a lot like a dead fish that seems to chase me round and round a fishing pole I can’t let go of.
I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.
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April 26 2010
http://videogum.com/174471/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-nick-and-norahs-infinite-playlist/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/
Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia<, the biopic about aviatrix Amelia Earhart starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere, for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.
So. Here we are: at the end of the films for this round. Eventually, the next batch of films will be named. So my heart is filled with a dreadful anticipation, a hope I fear only because it will hurt so much if it is squashed. We shall know with the new list if this film—my nemesis, my archrival, the Gwyneth Paltrow to my Gabe Delahaye—will be eviscerated in WMOAT in the next session. I am elated yet fearful, wary that the giddy, fiery hope I feel at the moment will last for two seconds only to come to a quick, painful end.
But even if it doesn’t—and I sincerely hope it does, but if it doesn’t—I shall soldier on past the disappointment to continue my dogged crusade to have this film exposed in this forum for the pretentious, windy, plotless, intelligence-insulting drivel it is. I shall continue undaunted despite the lump on my head and my life-long fear of broomsticks, toy cars, and fashionable outdoor tables. I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.
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Sept 13 2010
http://videogum.com/222052/the-unfortunate-return-of-the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/
Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia, the biopic about aviatrix Amelia Earhart starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere, for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.
Imagine, if you will, being trapped in your theater seat, desperately rocking left and right, trying to escape the nightmare vision playing before your eyes. Imagine, if you will, your terror as the film’s awfulness increases and you realize you are doomed to smack into the hard surface of Ugh with great terriblocity. Imagine, if you will, that you have pitifully put up your arms to stop the horror, but to no avail, no avail. Imagine, if you will, that your film-viewing experience goes something like this:
Yeah, watching Amelia is pretty much like that. So I beseech you to cover this film in the next round of WMOAT. But if the film is not nominated in this round, I shall once again be here every week till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.
